My dad will be turning 70 in a few weeks, and that has had me thinking hard about my relationship with my parents, who were highly abusive to my siblings and me as we were growing up and even into adulthood. They are still current members of the Move of God cult, which leads me to believe that they have not changed at all…that they still believe and stand by the abusive and controlling doctrines and practices of that cult. As long as this is the case, and as long as they continue to emotionally abuse someone who I am responsible to protect it is not healthy for them to be an active part of my life.
First, let me say that I am not sure that abusive parent relationships can be made sense of, but I sure have been trying to understand mine. After all, abusing your own flesh and blood–a part of you–makes no logical sense at all. Good parents protect their children from all harm, and definitely do not themselves propagate abuse or defend those who do.
As I work through my memories of my parents and my childhood, I am finding that my parents aren’t all bad. Some who know my story would consider that a very generous statement, but I believe that there are very few people who are ALL bad. I have several good memories of times spend with my dad, and a few of times spent with my mom. I remember the walks that my dad and I would sometimes take through the woods on our special trail that ran from the woodlot to the sawmill. We would often discuss religion and sometime politics during these times. This is very likely where I first realized my love for debate. As long as I used scripture to do it, I was allowed to argue most points with my dad. This motivated me to learn my Bible cover to cover, enabling me to use it to my advantage.
I don’t believe that anyone, including parents, automatically are entitled to respect from their children or anyone else. I firmly believe that respect is earned. It is earned by treating others with the same respect you want them to treat you with. Respect from your children is best earned through love and humility. I read a lot of Beverly Engel’s books, because they so resonate with me. She says it best when she says,
“Why isn’t there a commandment to “honor thy children” or at least one to “not abuse thy children”? The notion that we must honor our parents causes many people to bury their real feelings and set aside their own needs in order to have a relationship with people they would otherwise not associate with. Parents, like anyone else, need to earn respect and honor, and honoring parents who are negative and abusive is not only impossible but extremely self-abusive. Perhaps, as with anything else, honoring our parents starts with honoring ourselves. For many adult children, honoring themselves means not having anything to do with one or both of their parents.”
Truth's Song 
I suppose if we were using Biblical views, and this happened a lot on our cult, they always justified the abuse with the Old Testament “spare the rod, spoil the child”. Then they taught that Jesus died on the cross, took all our sins, and because of that, we were no longer subject to the laws of the Old Testament. Yet if you tried to utilize that concept to say “wait a minute, you can’t beat me, because I’m forgiven through Jesus” or “Jesus said whatever you do to the least of your brethren you do unto him.” or “But Jesus said, Suffer the little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for to such belongeth the kingdom of heaven.” you were a non-believer, rebellious, and therefore needed the beating anyways.
Unfortunately, we had no ability to critically think this as children, until we… got to the age of being able to critically think, and by that time, the abuse had already done it’s immense damage.